EileenJoy.notesforyou

Slowly I’m burying the past in me
Flood of memories overtaking me
Gasping for air as I drown in it
Anchoring me down down down
There’s no use struggling, I’m lost

I scream until I bleed until it hurts
Paralyzed I can’t find my voice
I am moving without directions
Stuck in the endless nightmares
Fear seeping through my flesh and bones

Panic rises pulsing through my veins
I command myself to gain consciousness
But everything’s numb and heavy
My thoughts tumbled like waterfalls
Kept flowing but trapped in the darkness

Come back, I tried to concentrate on that voice
Come back, but I felt myself fading
Come back, but I’m already miles away
Be still and empty my mind
Float freely even just for a moment

Breathe in, breathe out
I try to remind myself
The silence stretched to infinity
Tranquility has lost its way
Inhale, exhale
Calm down, it’s going to be okay

Okay: Like watching a good movie
Like a hot cocoa on a rainy day
Like candies to a crying child
Like weekends with group of friends
Like a favorite book on a shelf
Like family who is always there

The most stable state I stand
Sturdy and unwavering on high waves
It is when I trust myself the most
Not on cloud nine or six feet below
But when everything is at its sinus rhythm
When the drum beats within without chaos

No promises uttered glittered with hope
Nor anger so flamed it burns you alive
I long for serenity of the simple days
For the simple joys that made me sing
For the confidence I have that I’m unbreakable
And now I am never in between. I am standing in the extremes.

Love, it tastes so sweet in my mouth. Filling up inside me like an avalanche. The swelling of emotions building up from within. A touch of excitement threatening to explode any second. Sudden confusion while the mind is wandering somewhere in a place where the brain is struggling between acceptance and rejection. I plunged myself into this rapture for the sake of this momentarily bliss. My thoughts scattered into pieces and left me vulnerable. Everything turned into blur and the image of the person who caught me off guard sharpened into focus.

The bridge I walked in is made of glass. Sturdy and clear, without any trace of malice and doubt. But steep as a ledge, it can push me on the brink of an abyss once footprints of betrayal stained it. Transparent like a crystal and deeper than the ocean. You have to see past through the superficial and aim for the depths of my soul.

White as a snow and promising like a spring. The rain that falls like forgiveness and acceptance washing out the bitterness that is about to take place. Your face starts to vanish as the background paints its details into clarity I can’t contain. The constant nightmares of watching myself bleed as I hold on tightly to something that was once mine. The aching feeling of knowing you dropped us off just to feel the thrill of something unknown and new. And when I finally found the strength to dust it off and start anew you came back with teardrops that softens my anger. I looked into those eyes, but the purity in it no longer felt the same. I tried to touch those hands that used to keep me warm but all I felt was coldness seeping through me that it stings.